Part of my childhood to teenage years included being in a cult. But we called it church.
Once we were finally kicked out of the cult, we were devastated. We had lost what was, to our brainwashed minds, our one true connection to being “in” with God.
We had no idea the years of recovery ahead of us. We did not seek therapy because we understood therapy to be wrong, a tool of the “world.” We had a hard time trusting the words of what loved ones we had left outside the church.
This breaching felt as vast as the ocean. We were located elsewhere internally. Then, after a few years, I had the opportunity to go to college and begin to travel the world. This was part of decades of my own organic deprogramming.
Yet, the ones who had left but hadn’t the same resources and opportunities to deprogram, they were the ones who were most outspoken against the cult. And the further unattached I got from it myself, the more I realized how much their words and actions were still reflecting their programming.
Looking back, I realized that deep down I always knew in the way you KNOW things (beyond the mind) that I was deeply loved by the Divine. Yet, that was the thing I had the most trouble reclaiming intellectually. But it was this deep knowing that kept me on the path to reclaiming. And I am grateful for the many lights along the way that helped encourage me to keep listening to that inner knowing, and open me to the possibility that what I was waiting for to save me was already inside of me - Belovedness.
When Donald Trump was elected, I sobbed uncontrollably. My grief was a reflection of what I already knew about the long-term damage he could do as a cult of personality. And it is very unsurprising to me that much of what is happening is being done in the name of God, because I know from experience that God is often the ultimate control tactic when manipulated by humans. And now that I watch loved ones being caught up in ridiculous conspiracy theories that they are defending with more “God-sanctioned” assertions, I know that we have to be committed to something deeper for the long haul. That deep voice of inner knowing.
Politicians and parties won’t save us. I’m not saying that with my head in the sand. I’m a critical thinker, a faithful voter, and an actively engaged citizen. Yet, as I observe the rhetoric, I see that the “other side” isn’t so dissimilar to what they are most outspoken against. Many are stuck in a loop of distraction and reaction. Even some calls for unity and healing are part of this loop - void of the understanding of the deeper process required. We have to first recognize that we are stuck.
What matters most is what is right inside of you, whispering your worth and your belovedness. It has been with you from the beginning, present and longing for you to be present with it too. From there you can know, observe, and respond. From there you will experience a new level of inner freedom. From there you will know what is yours to do and yours to leave undone.
This is why I am invested in spiritual direction. Eckhart Tolle writes,
“The only function of a spiritual [director] is to help you remove that which separates you from the truth of who you already are and what you already know in the depth of your being.”
Can you feel your inner knowing inviting you to be reclaimed? To come home? To claim freedom here and now in this present moment? Stay there, present. The next step can only be known from there.